My Story, Part 1

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In order for you to truly understand and trust what I share here on Live Well 360, I feel that I need to tell my fat loss story from beginning to end. I have definitely done my “homework” on the topic of what not to do and have paid the consequences on this journey at the cost of my metabolism.

And So It Began

My quest for fat loss began back in high school. Freshman year, to be exact. I remember for the first time in my life, I looked at my freshman school picture and thought to myself, wow, my face looks round. Up to this point in my life, I was always the twig that ate whatever, whenever, and never paid any attention to nutrition. My favorite foods consisted of an Arby’s roast beef sandwich, curly fries, and a chocolate shake, Heath Bars, Nestle’s Crunch Blizzards from Dairy Queen, and…Doritos. To say I was not a healthy eater was an understatement.

As high school went on, I bounced through periods of gaining a little, losing a little, being more active, not being active, it was a roller coaster, both physically with the weight and emotionally. I look back now and realize that I was beginning an affair that would haunt me for the next 10 years of my life.

I’m A Hazard To Myself

This was also about the time that I started to notice how some girls were just so skinny. I started comparing myself to teen idols like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera and their rock hard abs. I would try to squeeze into a smaller pant size or shoe size because I thought that smaller equaled prettier, as if I could fool my body into magically becoming that smaller size. I am sure you have heard of the “lie on the bed to zip your pants” trick. Yep, that was me. I was jealous of other girls at school, most of whom seemed to not really worry about weight. Hindsight is 20/20 though. Now certain things come to mind that make me realize that some of these girls who I thought had it all together, were actually battling some of the very same insecurities I had, I just couldn’t see it at the time.

It is so ironic to me now, the fact that I wasn’t even overweight! Granted, I was not healthy in terms of the foods I ate, but I was nowhere near the warped size I saw in my mind. My weight throughout high school fluctuated from about 135-145 pounds, and I am 5-6”, so this in actuality was a healthy weight for me. Yet to me the number on the scale or on the waistband of my pants was what determined much of my happiness.

Now, I know what you are thinking, “How is this going to help me? She didn’t have a weight problem, she just had body image issues. She has no idea what I am going through!” Well, you are right. Up to this point, my problem was all in my head. But the problems that I didn’t have yet, I was heading for at the speed of light. One of the main reasons I am writing this story is because I know without a shadow of a doubt that I, sadly, am not the only person to think this way. I know that there are many other women out there who have struggled or are currently struggling with these same type of self destructive thoughts.

Quest for the Miracle Fat Loss Pill

At this point, I started working out at the local gym. This was a good thing in most respects. I was a cheerleader, so this helped me to condition myself and get into better shape. I began pushing myself physically. I did some weight training, but mostly cardio because, well you know, I didn’t want to get “big”. Day after day I would work out, only to get frustrated because I wasn’t seeing the results that I wanted. The scale wasn’t budging. So I took it to the next level. I turned to my local GNC. I should have bought stock in the company. I think that the list would be shorter if I rattled off the fat loss supplements that I didn’t try versus the ones that I did. I can’t even remember all of the names of what I bought, each one in hopes that it would solve my weight loss dreams. I tried the liquid that you drink at night before you go to bed that is supposed to magically change your metabolic burn while you sleep. I tried the diet in a box that has you taking a regimen of supplements while eating plain tuna out of the can, with half a slice of tomato for lunch (I then proceeded to binge on Frosted Flakes for dinner because I was “so damn hungry”). I tried pretty much every fat burning pill sold, including both forms of Hydroxycut, pre-ephedra and post-ephedra. Anything that the guy at the counter told me would work, I would try it.

This went on throughout high school and into my first few years of college. At one point I even went to visit my primary doctor, asking her to perform some blood tests because I thought it was my thyroid that was causing me problems. She did the tests, which came back showing no signs of thyroid issues, but proceeded to give me a prescription for Phen-Phen. I went straight to my pharmacy, filled it, and started taking it. Two days later I had heartburn so bad I could barely swallow carbonated liquids. My Mom took me to the emergency room, and they gave me an “antiacid cocktail”, which luckily helped. I went home and dumped the rest of the prescription down the toilet. Thank God for tiny miracles. At this point I think my Mom was starting to notice that I was a little too into losing weight, but I don’t think she knew how deep it really went.

A False Sense of Control

A large part of my destructive relationship with food and my body had to do with control. There were a lot of things in my personal life that I didn’t have control over, and was fairly mixed up about, so I think that in my mind, my body was a) something that I believed determined my overall worth, and b) was something that I could focus my attention on, determined to “gain control over”. In my senior year of high school, I would wake up at 5 AM every single day before school (and on weekends) and do 1 hour of cardio, either running or on the elliptical machine. Then I would go to class, and proceed to cheerleading practice after school for another 2-3 hours. I was literally running myself ragged. But I thought this was the answer to not only my self-esteem issues, but also I think it was somewhat of a way to escape reality. When I was working out, the endorphins were flowing and I was feeling good about myself. I wasn’t a drinker or a partier in high school so I guess this was my fix.

Intermixed between my quest for the fat loss miracle pill, I was also sampling pretty much every mainstream diet program you can think of – Weight Watchers, Adkins, South Beach, The Zone, and on. I switched over from Arby’s to fat-free Kraft Mac and Cheese, fat free Pringles, fat free coffee cake, low fat pizza (from the box) …you get the gist. I remember eating pretty much an entire bag of Baked Lays potato chips in one sitting, thinking, “Mmm, this is good, and so good for me because there is hardly any fat!” I was eating all the wrong stuff at all the wrong times, fueling the vicious cycle of dieting, not seeing results, breaking down emotionally, binging, and starting the cycle again. I was so embarrassed, and could not understand why so many of my friends could maintain their weight around 115-125 pounds with no problem. Why was I so different?

I have one story that sticks out in my mind so vividly, I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at my heaviest weight ever and feeling really really bad about myself. It was my sophomore year of college, and I was with a group of friends/mutual acquaintances at the Cheesecake Factory (of all places, right?) for dinner, and one of those acquaintances was a personal trainer. I had known her for some time and knew that she recently had lost quite a bit of weight, so I was asking her questions about how she did it and what I should be doing differently to achieve what she has. I think she was getting frustrated with my questions, because at one point she flat out asked me, “Sheila, how much do you weigh?” I answered her, and I will never forget how I felt the moment the words left my lips, “165 pounds.” Her mouth dropped, and her response was, “{Gasp} Sheila?!?!” Her reaction was as if I had just told her that when I was 15 I robbed a liquor store. I was mortified. My stomach did about 3 somersaults and then dropped into my feet. It took everything I had to not break into tears right then and there. We were sitting at a table of 5 people too, so that didn’t help my utter embarrassment. I barely ate my dinner, totally losing my appetite after that. The next day all I ate was a banana and some orange juice …the cycle continues. I told myself I was GOING to lose the weight. I was disgusted with myself. If only I had known there was a better way.

Stay tuned for more…and yes, I am deliberately holding out on you with the “after” pictures. I am such a tease.

Click here, for Part 2

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